When Canon Strikes Back
by L. Bishult
Summary: Don't you just hate it when badfic happens? Poor canon has finally gotten sick of it. This is what happens when canon strikes back...


**A/N- Howdy. I'm back and kickin'. I'm sure you've all noticed this is my second parody, a Draco/Hermione. I'm going to get around to the others, I swear! So, for a disclaimer: Linda Jones is just a made-up little fan fiction writer. And that's really all I've got to say. So enjoy!**

Hermione curled up on her seat on the Hogwarts Express. Her recently dyed, short and super frizzy black hair bounced dangerously around her face. Her skin was pale, emphasized by her twelve layers of black eyeliner and eye shadow. No longer was she the brainy, frizzy-haired daughter of two dentists. Now, she was the emo-guitar-strumming 'scene' kid her former self would have laughed at.

No one knew why the change occurred. All anyone knew was that after Hermione visited her mysterious American cousin in America, she changed. Ron and Harry were more worried than others; mainly because they were sitting across from her at this very moment.

"So, err, Hermione," Harry began, breaking the ice that had metaphorically descended upon the room. He looked over at Ron for support, and elbowed him in the side so he'd pick his jaw up off the floor. "How was your, err, summer?"

Hermione pulled a cigarette out of her hair and lit it. She took a drag and almost coughed herself to death. "Fine," she choked, still coughing. She cracked the window and threw it out the window, where it hit a bird and caught it on fire. "I got some new digs."

"Some what?" Harry asked, feeling a little nervous. Hermione was looking at him and it was making him extremely nervous. Ron's mouth was still wide open.

"Digs," she replied, obviously annoyed he didn't understand her cool new lingo. "Like, clothes."

"Oh," Harry responded, noticing her clothes were something, well, for lack of better words, different. She was wearing big, black baggy pants with chains all over them and a Barbie sized red shirt with a cartoon bomb on it. 'Hags with Bags' was printed across her chest in big, black block letters. "What's 'Hags with Bags'?" he asked cautiously, ready to jump out of his chair and run away if she tried to kill him.

Hermione snorted and rolled her eyes. "Only the best heavy metal punk reggae band in America. And the universe." She twirled her black, red and white jelly bracelets around her wrists. "They had a killer concert and me and my cousin got totally wasted and got to meet them. I puked all over the lead singer's shoes." She smiled. "Best night ever."

Harry nodded dumbly. "That's… something else."

The compartment door swung open to reveal Draco Malfoy. He, like Hermione, had undergone some drastic changes over the summer. Harry cringed as he realized those shiny pants he was wearing were actually leather. Draco flipped his head to get the stray piece of hair out of his eyes. "Potty, Weasel," he said nonchalantly. He leaned on the doorframe and looked over at Hermione. "Granger?"

Hermione rose and gave him a once over. _What a fine piece of man meat…_ His blonde hair was long and shaggy and it fell into his face with an uncanny grace. His tight leather pants were hot and the tight black t-shirt revealed his sexy Quidditch toned muscles. _I could just eat him all up._ "Yeah, Malfoy. It's me."

"You look…" Malfoy paused. "Hot. Wanna come back to my compartment with me? We can listen to 'Hags with Bags' on my I-pod."

Hermione's eyes lit up. "Okay!"

Ron seemed to snap out of his trance. "Hermione! Are you kidding?" he asked angrily. "You can't go with him!"

Hermione's eyes filled with tears. "You don't understand me! He does." She turned to Draco and looked into his steel grey eyes. She could see into the depths of his soul, and she knew they were soul mates. "Draco understands me! We're soul mates!"

Draco stepped up and put an arm around her waist. "Yeah, Weasel. Soul mates." He smirked as Ron and Harry's jaws dropped. "Let's go listen to Hags with Bags."

They left the compartment hand and hand. Once they were gone, Harry turned to Ron. "There's something very evil afoot here. Let's find Ginny and see if she knows what's going on."

---

"No one understands me, you know?" Hermione told Draco after they'd reached his compartment. She had an earphone of his I-pod in her left ear, and her favorite Hags with Bags song was playing. "My parents just don't get me, and obviously Ron and Harry don't. It's just so nice to really connect with someone like you."

"Totally," Draco replied. "My mom freaked when she saw me wear my leather pants. She was all, 'Draco, you can't be serious,' and I was all, 'Mom, you just don't get it.' She just doesn't understand me. Neither does Dad." He looked down at the ground as 'The Backseat of Your '67 Volvo Put Me in the Hospital Nine Months Later' came on. "My life just sucks. My parents expect so much out of me. 'Draco, don't wear those leather pants,' 'Draco, don't forget to feed the birds'. I mean, we have House Elves to do that. Why do they have such high expectations?"

Hermione nodded sympathetically. "Want a cigarette?" she asked, offering him her pack.

"No, they make my tummy hurt."

---

"Ginny!"

Ginny turned around and smiled. "Hey, guys. What's going on?"

"Have you seen Hermione?!" Ron shouted, waving his arms wildly. "She's- she's--"

"Different," Harry finished quietly.

"Cavorting around with Malfoy!" Ron bellowed, his face growing more red by the minute. "Cavorting with that- that- ferret!"

"Really?" Ginny seemed surprised. "I thought she was just going through a phase…"

"What?" both boys exclaimed.

"Well, when she wrote me this summer," Ginny began, "She seemed, well, different. You know, depressed or something. Why is she with Malfoy?"

As Ron launched into a panicked explanation, Harry tried to think how all of this could have happened. Obviously, the American cousin had to have something to do with it, but how could they reverse it? It wasn't like they could just hop on a boat, sail across the pond and hunt this person down. "Well, whatever spell she's under, we need to break it," he said, stepping out of his mental dialogue. "Soon."

---

Ron and Harry couldn't find Hermione when they got off the train. Ron had the brilliant idea of locking her in a trunk until they could fix her, but they couldn't find her, so that idea was in the bin. "What do we do now?" Harry asked.

"Just keep an eye out for her," Ron replied. "She's got to be around here somewhere."

They finally found her, strutting around in tight black leather pants, just like Draco's, and another Barbie-sized pink shirt that said, "Dark Princess" in black skulls. Ron shrunk his trunk and summoned a sheet. When the crowd thinned, he quickly approached Hermione, wrapped the sheet around her, tossed her over his shoulder and made a frantic dash towards the castle. Ginny followed, leaving Harry the daunting task of distracting Draco.

"My soul mate!" Draco wailed, dropping to his knees and bursting into tears. His black eyeliner streamed down his face, and Harry stared at him questioningly. When he realized Draco was not a threat (since he was now in the fetal position sucking his thumb) Harry took off towards the castle.

He arrived in Gryffindor tower in time to hear Hermione screaming, "No! Let me go! I need to see Draco!"

He bolted up the stairs into the boys' dorms where Ron was attempting to handcuff Hermione to his bed. Ginny was holding her legs, trying to keep Hermione from kicking him. "Hermione! This is for your own good!" he told her, finally securing her hands. She continued screaming and kicking. "Ginny, don't let her get away."

Ginny nodded and cast a Silencing Charm on Hermione. Hermione didn't seem to notice, for her mouth stayed wide open and her face just kept getting redder. "Thank Merlin for some quiet."

"So where do we start?" Harry asked, crossing the room to stand by Ron and Ginny.

"The American cousin in America," Ron said flatly. "That's all we have to go on."

"Well, get moving. I can't stand seeing her like this," Ginny added. "Maybe you should take the Sword of Gryffindor. Whatever did this to her is pure evil."

---

Twenty minutes later, Ron and Harry were standing in the living room of Hermione's American cousin from America. By a few cleverly inserted plot devices, they'd stolen the sword out of Dumbledore's office during the Welcoming Feast, thrown Floo Powder into the fireplace and shouted, 'Hermione's American cousin from America's house!' and there they stood.

It was a normal looking living room, with normal looking furniture. The only truly horrible thing was the wallpaper, which was sprinkled with a generous dose of huge flowers. They heard soft clicking noises from upstairs, and as quietly as they could, they tiptoed up the normal stairs with normal beige carpet.

A soft glow was emitted from the last room on the left, and the sound of clicking was amplified as they crept down the hall. The whole house was silent, making the clicking sound almost deafening. They pushed open the door slowly.

A small girl sat at a computer screen, her fingers happily clicking away on the keyboard. Her hair was short and frizzy, and dyed black, just like Hermione's new hair was. Ron took the sword from Harry and swallowed hard. "What are you doing?" he asked.

The girl turned around. "Oh my God!" she screamed, her shrill voice sending tremors through Harry and Ron. "You're Harry Potter!"

"How do you know my name?" Harry asked. "And who are you?"

The girl bounced happily on her seat. "I'm Linda Jones!" she exclaimed. "And I know all about all of you because I write fan fiction!" Harry and Ron exchanged questioning glances, but before they could ask, Linda continued, "Like right now! I'm writing one where Draco and Hermione are soul mates and they fall in love because no one understands them! It's going to be the greatest fic ever! And it already has 20 reviews!" She let out a little fan girl squeal that made Ron and Harry jump.

"You're the one that changed Hermione?" Ron asked, his face turning red with anger.

Linda rolled her eyes. "Well, DUH. Hermione was so boring before. I mean, come on, how is Draco supposed to like her if she's a bookworm? Hello, bookworms are BORING. I just made her better. And Draco hotter."

"We liked Hermione the way she was!" Ron retorted angrily.

"Yeah," Harry said, stepping forward.

"But Draco didn't! And besides, Draco's so hot and he needs someone as equally hot to date."

Ron gripped the sword. "Why didn't you choose someone else?"

Linda rolled her eyes again, and Harry hoped with all the eye rolling, her eyes would just roll out of her head. "Because Hermione is the heroine, duh. Besides, it's my story, I can do whatever I want."

Ron lunged forward. "No you can't!" He stabbed the computer with the sword, and Linda screamed. A current of electricity shot through the sword and Ron's body shook violently. Harry grabbed Linda off the chair as a huge spark separated the sword from the computer and sent Ron hurtling across the room.

"Ron!" Harry exclaimed, dropping Linda and hurrying over to his friend. "Ron, are you okay?"

Ron grinned stupidly. His hair was charred and sticking up awkwardly in all directions. "I'm great, mate. Never been better."

Linda was bawling in the corner over her computer, and it was making Harry nervous. He helped Ron to his feet. "C'mon, let's get out of here."

---

The Silencing Charm wore off, but Hermione's voice was too hoarse to do anymore screaming. Ginny sat at the edge of the bed, watching her carefully. She was expecting this 'curse' to wear off at any moment, but there hadn't been a change yet.

Ginny jumped when Hermione shouted, "Unlockamora!"

"Hermione, what was that?" The handcuffs slid off Hermione's wrists and she jumped off the bed. "That wasn't a real spell!" Ginny sputtered, suddenly becoming the only thing between Hermione and the door. She ran to the door and blocked it with her body.

"Let me out!" Hermione shouted hoarsely. "Who cares if it's not a real spell! If it'll get me to Draco faster, it'll work!"

"Hermione, you're acting completely irrational--"

Hermione threw Ginny out of the way and raced down the stairs and out the portrait hole. She sprinted through the corridors, and by a miraculous plot device and a little bit of luck, she found the Slytherin common room. She bust through the entrance, powered by her true love for her soul mate and found him sitting on a couch in the fetal position.

Hermione bounced onto the couch and wanted nothing more than to snog the life out of him. She felt all her inhibitions leave now that she was around hotty McDraco. Draco snapped out of his pity party and sat up. "Hermione, my love!" he exclaimed, wiping the eyeliner-stained tear tracks off his cheeks. "I missed you so much!"

"OMG Draco, I know!" she cried. "Don't worry; I'll get Dumbledore to switch me into this house and we'll never have to be apart!"

Their faces drifted closer together, and Hermione puckered her lips in anticipation of their first kiss. Suddenly, she felt a jolt go through her. Her hair changed back to brown and grew back to her shoulders, and her skanky clothes transformed into a pair of jeans and Ginny's old Weird Sister's t-shirt. Hermione opened her eyes and screamed. "Malfoy! What in Merlin's name were you trying to do to me?!"

Her scream made Malfoy jump, and he fell over the back of the couch. He too had changed back to his normal self. His hair was slicked back, and his leather pants were now regular black trousers and a blue shirt. His Quidditch toned muscles were nowhere in sight. "Do to _you_? What were you doing to me?" he screamed. "And what are you doing in my common room?"

Hermione jumped up, her frizzy hair bouncing menacingly around her shoulders. "You kidnapped me!" she shouted, bolting towards the door. "How do I get out of here?"

Draco scampered up the stairs as Hermione sprinted through the open passage. She bolted through the hallways, passing staring students and a few teachers as she went.

She'd almost kissed Draco Malfoy. She needed to rinse out her mouth. With antibacterial soap.

---

"Do you think Hermione's going to be okay?" Ron asked as he and Harry made their way back to the common room.

"I'm sure she'll be fine," Harry answered. The portrait hole was now in sight, and he couldn't wait to get inside. Between that freaky little ten-year-old, Linda Jones, and hauling an electrocuted Ron back to Hogwarts, he was exhausted.

"Ron!"

Harry moved out of the way just as Hermione pounced. Ron caught her and stumbled back a bit, but managed to support her long enough to make sure she was back to normal. "Hermione! You're normal again!"

He let her down and she hugged Harry. "How did I end up in the Slytherin common room?" she asked, letting go of Harry and looking at the two of them. "I almost ended up kissing Malfoy."

"Ewww," the two boys exclaimed in unison.

"You didn't actually do it, did you?" Ron asked, his ears turning pink.

"No, of course not!" Hermione replied vehemently, making gag faces. "I'd have to kill myself if that happened."

"Wait, what happened to Ginny?" Harry asked, looking towards the portrait hole. "She was supposed to be watching you."

Hermione shrugged. "I don't know, I can't remember anything."

The trio went through the portrait hole, and a collective gasp emitted from their wide open mouths. Ginny was wearing a ridiculously short pink skirt with lace up white go-go boots. Her tiny little pink shirt with rhinestones that proudly pronounced 'Princess' was ever smaller than Hermione's Barbie-sized shirts. Ginny's hair was in long pigtails, and she popped her gum. "Hey, guys!" she said once she saw them. "Like my new, like, clothes?" She snapped her gum again and smiled.

Harry covered his mouth, Hermione covered her eyes and Ron attempted to cover Ginny with the blanket he used on Hermione earlier. Ginny bounced merrily around the room, attempting to escape Ron and his blanket. _Not again!_


End file.
